I have always known I wanted to be fat. I can remember, as a young girl—I couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8—I went into the city with my family for the day. We were sitting down to eat when I went to get ketchup and napkins. On my way back to the table, I saw a girl roughly my age. She was fat. Her belly poked out over her pants, her arms puffed with baby rolls that probably never went away, and her double chin protruded out even though her head was tilted up towards her much taller parents.
I was transfixed. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I didn’t know it then, but what I felt was the pang of desire, the deep longing of sexual lust. I didn’t long for her, I longed for her body. I wanted my own body to look like hers, to swell with fat. I wanted to eat and eat and eat until I looked like her. Of course, as a 7 or 8 year old, I wouldn’t have said any of those things explicitly; I knew only that I felt a shiver in my spine that I couldn’t fully explain.
I can remember playing with my dolls in my bed. I was their mother, and I enacted scenes for them; I had several dolls, and they shared different relations. Older and younger sisters, mostly absent and somewhat mysterious brothers, cousins who would occasionally visit, friends that lived with friends (ever the childhood fantasy). Not every character appeared every night, but their identities remained consistent. And my identity remained consistent: I was their fat mother. From a very young age, I would stuff my shirt with my pillows and play the fat mother, constantly trying to feed my too-skinny daughters. I encouraged them to eat the way I ate; they were too skinny, 8 year old me thought of my dolls. Eventually, as my fantasy belly outgrew the size of my pillows, I switched to the beanbag chair in my room; my fantasy fat, in form of my beanbag, spilled out over my thighs, creeping through my bed, threatening to overcome my daughter-dolls. My imagined husband, who had no effigy but in my mind, liked my fat, and encouraged me to keep eating.
As a very young teenage (perhaps I was 12 or 13), I started sneaking snacks into my room to eat in the middle of the night. It proved tricky, because the candy bars had to make their way into my room, be consumed in silence, and then the empty wrappers had to be disposed of quietly and secretly. My beanbag belly propped on my thighs, I ate Snickers bars and Milky Ways, Butterfingers and Reeses Cups. I was afraid M&Ms would be too loud, or that I would drop one to be found by my parents, but I soon learned that I could sneak pastries in my backpack. Eating and imagining the fat swell off my body fulfilled me in a way I had never felt fulfilled before; I didn’t yet know that my desire was sexual, but I knew that I felt a deeply rooted desire.
Of course, around this time, I also became aware of the expectations and demands of society. I realized that fat bodies were taboo. I realized that, if I was to remain popular and attractive, I would have to remain skinny. (I hadn’t, for all my late-night, fat-filled fantasies, gained any weight. I was a moderately thin girl for most of my childhood and teenage years.) I can remember looking at a chubby girl in my fifth grade class; her thighs overflowed off of her chair and her belly poked out over her waistline. Two small but sharply defined rolls fell out from under where her breasts would grow in. Looking at her, I had two important realizations: I realized that boys don’t like fat girls; even more important, for a pre-teen girl, I realized that skinny girls don’t like fat girls. My mother said once, off-handedly and with no ill intent whatsoever, that only fat people like other fat people. I nodded quietly but silently disagreed.
I can remember being 15 or 16 and learning about masturbation. I didn’t know what I was doing, and couldn’t produce an orgasm. It felt good, of course, but nothing more than merely good. Then I discovered a secret: I could stuff my shirt with pillows, eat donuts I had snuck into my bedroom, imagine I was fat and getting fatter, and touch myself. The first time I did it I lost my breath. I remember stuffing the donut into my face faster and faster, telling myself I was such a fat little piggy, and didn’t I just want to get fatter and fatter, and didn’t I want to just eat and eat and eat. I felt my body shake and pulsate; a shiver went through my spine and my legs went numb; I think my eyes were open but I can’t remember seeing anything but darkness; I couldn’t hear anything, not even the voice telling me to eat and eat and eat; I could no longer feel the longing I had felt to be fat; my hand was wet with a liquid I had never seen before. I can remember, after my first orgasm, eating my last doughnut.
I never told anyone, not my closest friends with whom I ostensibly shared everything, about my overwhelming desire to gain weight and get fatter and fatter. I never overate in public; I often refused seconds and desert. I drank diet soda with my friends, ate salads in the school cafeteria. I made out with boys who told me I was “hot.” I wore bikinis at the town pool because, like my friends, I wanted to show off my thin body to the boys and, of course, to the other girls. I laughed when my friends made fun of the fat girl in our French class. I pointed my finger down my throat and fake puked when someone recalled that she should had worn a bikini at the pool that summer. Secretly, I wished I had seen her.
I remember a day-dream that occupied me for most of 10th grade: I developed a super-power that allowed me to freeze time. While time was frozen, I could do whatever I wanted, while everyone else remained stuck in place. In the middle of geometry, I would pause time and eat and eat and eat, right in front the the girls who mocked our fat classmates; they couldn’t see me since they were frozen. My belly would grow larger and larger, stretching out my shrinking t-shirts and bursting the buttons off my jeans. When I un-froze, everything would be back to normal, and I would be skinny, and I would snicker when the meanest of my friends suggested that, oh my god, did that girl get even fatter over Christmas break? Each time I froze time, I would pick up where I had left off, as fat as I was the last time I un-froze. My belly, in frozen time, swelled up over my desk, and the cellulite on my thighs bulged out of my short shorts. I ate cakes and candies and pizza, right there in front my classmates, and they were none the wiser. I grabbed my big fat belly and jiggled it right in the face of the meanest of my friends, while she gaped blankly, unable to see the disgusting fat that was overcoming her.
This was, of course, nothing but a fantasy. Publicly, I remained scornful of the very idea of excess fat. Publicly, my opinion of weight gain, junk food, and fat was what you would expect from a high-school girl: weight-gain was a fearful nightmare and repulsive, junk food was for sleepovers and gossip nights but was to be worked off the next day in the gym, and fat wasn’t much discussed, unless we were mocking an unsuspecting classmate.
As I progressed through high-school, I came to more fully adopt society’s expectations as my own: I was not simply a public fat-scorner and private fat-worshipper, I was a through and through fat-fearer. The secret side of me, that which (less and less frequently, as the demands of the boys with whom I wanted to make out become more and more severe) ate junk food in the privacy of my bedroom, I came to understand as some sort of strange perversion. I mourned the lust I felt to be fat, and the desire that was only sated when I was stuffing myself with sugar and candy. I can remember praying: please make me normal, please make me like the other girls who are perfectly content to be skinny, and who want a boyfriend that encourages them to be skinny. Please remove these passions from me. Please don’t let me be fat. Please make me stop wanting to be fat.
My public life came to dominate my sense of what was normal, and thus to pollute my secret fat fantasies. I was in several relationships with skinny, athletic boys who wanted me to remain skinny and athletic. I joined a gym with my mother and went several times per week. I went for runs on the weekend. I (mostly) stopped stuffing myself with junk food in privacy (though I didn’t stop entirely; more on this in a minute). I did my makeup and straightened my hair and admired my size 4 waistline in the mirror. My boyfriend told me that, in my bikini on the beach the summer before senior year, I made other girls jealous. He once threatened to fight a boy who went out of his way to turn his head and gape at me, following my shapely, curvey, skinny body. I was admired, wanted, desired, and I loved that feeling.
I shared my fat fantasies with no one, and as time went on, my desires became more severe. I longed more severely and felt sharper pangs; the energy I spent repressing my secret desires would at times melt away more completely than ever. While my fat stuffing nights became less frequent, they also became more intense. I no longer stuffed a pillow in my shirt; I stuffed blankets and sheets in my pants to imitate fat thighs. I used a puffy, soft, and very large down blanket to portray a jiggly fat belly. I stuffed spare towels in the arms of my shirts, imagining all those doughnuts had gone to my arms. The nightshirt and yoga pants I used became stretched beyond fixing; I had to hide them in the bottom of a drawer so that my mother wouldn’t notice that my small yoga pants had been stretched to a size 3x.
One time my family went away for a weekend and left me home alone. They cautioned that I wasn’t to have friends over for a party. They needn’t have worried; I didn’t invite anyone over. Rather, I cherished the most intensely private moment I had ever known: I went out and purchased an actual pair of 3x yoga pants, and a stretchy 3x shirt. I bought half a dozen doughnuts. I went to Wendy’s and bought a cheeseburger, large fries, and a milkshake. I bought a bag of potato chips. When I got home, I stuffed my extra large and stretchy yoga pants with blankets. I used a pillow to enlarge my butt. Towels filled out my thighs. My upper body, with my down blanket and spare quilt stuffed inside, was, I thought, a pretty accurate representation of a severely obese version of myself; it was, I thought, that severely obese version of myself for which I longed with a passion unknown in any other area of my life. Fully stuffed with blankets and pillows filling out the fat I didn’t myself have, I sat down to feast. I ate doughnuts and Wendy’s. I washed it down with milkshake. I snacked on chips. I spent that entire first Friday night eating; I couldn’t fall asleep because I was too full. I thought I might be sick. I imagined my belly getting larger and larger, and stuffed an extra blanket into my shirt, as if the doughnuts I had just consumed had already had their effect, as if my fat was already swelling out even further. I touched myself and finally fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV, the food I didn’t finish still scattered throughout my living room, the pillows and blankets still puffing out my imagined belly. I woke up sometime in the middle of the night (I found it rather difficult to sleep while I was “dressed up” fat) and ate some stale, cold fries and a handful of potato chips. I fell back asleep.
Saturday morning I finished yesterday’s doughnuts for breakfast. They were stale, but this was somehow erotic: I was such a fat little pig, I thought to myself, I had no choice but to stuff myself with yesterday’s stale doughnuts. I rubbed my fake fat belly, imagining that, one day perhaps, my own belly would be this large, and I would, for real, stuff myself with yesterday’s doughnuts.
I got out of my fat costume and left my house in search of more food. The idea that I was addicted to food and to fat overwhelmed me: I went to the grocery store and bought a chocolate cake, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, a box of double-stuff Oreos, and more potato chips. I got home and ate far less that I would have liked; I was, after all, not actually fat. I had a slice of cake and a few Oreos before I felt sick. Still, the fantasy that one day I wouldn’t be limited by my body lingered. I imagined myself getting so fat that I would be able to consume as much as I wanted without restrictions. I would sit around all day, with my fat hanging out over my thighs, and I would finish that cake, those Oreos, those potato chips, and that ice cream. I would finish all of that fattening junk food and watch my fat belly hang lower and lower over my thighs.
After my gluttonous private weekend, I return to my normal, skinny, fat shaming self. I was embarrassed that I had spent the entire weekend eating junk food by myself. I felt terrible, probably from consuming more sugar and calories than I could handle. I wished that I had just had a party where my skinny friends came over and drank wine, like a normal girl. I wished I had brought some cute, skinny, athletic guy to my room and had sex with him. I was so embarrassed at myself, I promptly threw away the 3x clothes I had purchased, vowing I would never get dressed up like a fat girl again.
Repressing my desires, however, seemed only to have the opposite affect: they came back stronger than ever. While I would vow with what I thought was sincerity never to stuff myself fat again, I would just as quickly find myself in Dunkin Donuts buying donuts; at a convenience store eating candy bars; at the ice-cream parlor getting a banana split; stopping, on my way home from school, at McDonalds for a cheeseburger and fries. I gained weight; it was a small amount, 5 or 6 pounds, and then ten, but it definitely showed. If my friends noticed, they didn’t say anything; most of the weight went to my thighs and butt, and I think my boyfriend at the time liked it. Mortified, though, I swore to myself I would lose that weight; I would cut out my secret fat food runs and hit the gym harder.
It was around this time that I discovered BBWs and, even more exciting, SSBBWs online. It was my senior year in high school; I would have been 17 or 18. I had never really watched porn, but one day, after I had received my own laptop as a gift from my grandparents, I decided to search for fat girls and weight gain online. The hardcore porn sites weren’t of interest to me, but the fat forums were. I found other people, fat people and skinny people, who were committed to, obsessed with, weight gain, food, and fat. I found websites that were fat positive. I found BBW and SSBBW models. I was overcome: there is a world, I realized, about which I have fantasized my whole life; there is a world wherein fat, food, and weight gain is cherished and worshipped. I ogled with profound admiration at the SSBBWs who posed, naked or half naked, for the camera. Some of them allowed themselves to be photographed while they stuffed themselves with even more food. I learned a whole new vocabulary: feeder, feedee, foodee. I was all three, I thought to myself. I learned an even more exciting term: FA, the fat admirer. Were there men out there, I wondered, real men, who wanted to feed me, watch me get fatter, and worship my fat belly? Could I find one of these men? Would I find one of these men?
I became active on some of these sites, but always anonymously. I never posted a picture of myself, out of the intense fear I would be found out. But I stayed current with new developments, and watched other girls create and update their modeling websites. I became obsessed with the idea of being a fat model. I would fall into a trance scanning these website, imaging that I, too, would one day find my image, my own fat body, scattered across the internet. I had a new activity: I would pack my 3x clothes full with pillows and blankets (I had, of course, purchased new 3x clothes after throwing out my initial ones) in imitation of the girls I looked at online, and I would sit in front of my computer eating junk food longing for the day when I would be able to join them. I longed for the day when they would call me a BBW. I longed even harder for the day (I was relatively sure it would never come) when they would call me an SSBBW.
These longings and these desires become part of a routine. After losing 7 of 10 pounds I had gained a few months back, I quickly gained another 10 pounds, and then 12. I was still relatively small, but, at 15 pounds heavier, noticeably larger than I had been. I went up three sizes. My friends and family mostly didn’t think anything of it; it was, after all, my last semester of senior year of high school, and I was nervous about starting college.
That summer, I lost a few pounds during a summer fling with a cute guy I had had a secret crush on for most of high school. He encouraged me to go running with him. We went for hikes through the woods and rode bikes around town. We ate ice cream, but I usually ordered a non-fat frozen yogurt and put blueberries on it. Our romance was passionate but short lived. After going away to college, we stayed in touch briefly and then moved on.
My college experience, like most college experiences, was one of profound self-discovery. My self-discovery, however, was perhaps of a somewhat different nature than most. It was in college that I finally admitted to myself that I wanted to be fat, and that if I wasn’t fat, a large part of my life would remain hidden away in a closet. I realized that if I wasn’t fat, my identity must remain a lie. I realized that I would not be happy, truly happy, with my life and with myself, unless I was fat. I sympathized with a close male friend from high-school who had recently come out as being gay. I imagined the relief he felt knowing that he could finally be who he really was with the people he cared about most, that he wouldn’t have to hide his real identity. I imagined it was the relief I would feel if acknowledged openly that I wanted to be fat.
My self-discovery began the very first day. I had planned, at the end of the summer just before I left, that I would use the infamous “freshman 15” as an excuse to gain weight, to eat what I wanted, to let myself go. My meal plan, which allowed me access to an all-you-can-eat buffet for nearly every meal, become my partner in crime. I had pancakes for breakfast everyday, ice-cream for dessert at both lunch and dinner, and slices of pizza at the late-night pizza place. My friends, who didn’t want their bellies to hang out over their pants like me, nevertheless ate like me, or sort of like me. They, too, were in college; they, too, had a new-found freedom; they, too, were victims of their meal-plans; they were victims of the freshman 15, and some of them the freshman 20. I was a victim of the freshman 50.
Part of me was mortified. I wanted, of course, to be fat, and I loved to rub my new fat belly, and feel my butt jiggle as I squeezed into the new pants I had to purchase. But part of me didn’t know how to handle this identity: I had never been the fat girl; I had been the skinny girl who laughed with her friends at the fat girls. I was the cute, skinny, athletic girl who made out with cute, skinny, athletic guys. I wore short shorts in high school. My classmates in college were admittedly less critical than my high-school classmates had been; most didn’t seem to much care whether I was 125 or 175 pounds. I had friends who weren’t concerned about my weight, even if they were moderately concerned about their own. Still, it was hard to imagine what my public identity would be if I continued to gain weight.
This changed drastically when I met a boy. I was 60 pounds heavier than I had been on the first day of college when, after history class, a boy I had noticed once or twice approached me. He asked if I was prepared for the test next week. I told him I was and he asked if I could help him study. He was nervous he might fail it, he said, unless he got some extra help. I agreed, half-suspecting that the test wasn’t the real reason, or at least not the only reason, he had approached me.
We made out the night of our very first study session. He agreed to meet me in one of the campus cafes; when our study session turned into a chatting session, and when we became self-conscious about having been sitting in the cafe for several hours, he asked if I wanted to head up to his dorm. I said I didn’t, but invited him to mine. My roommate was out of town for the next few days. I didn’t tell him that, but imagined myself doing so. We were in my room for about an hour before he leaned over my bed and kissed me.
It was the first time I had made out with anyone since I had gained weight. He was small; at that time, I weighed about 35 pounds more than he did. It turned me on to know that I was fatter and bigger than he was, and, I would find out later, it turned him on too. I could tell, by the way he touched my body, my newly chubby body, that he was enamored with me.
One night several months later, after we had been making out regularly, and after we had been introduced to each other’s friends, and after we had for the first time had sex, I asked him if he thought I should lose weight. He looked heartbroken, like I was asking him if he wanted to never again have sex with me. He asked me if I was comfortable in my body; he told me I should do what felt comfortable, whatever felt most natural to me. He told me I should never be someone else for someone else, not even him. If I want you to lose weight, he said, and you don’t want to lose weight, then don’t lose weight.
I listened attentively to what he said. I was somewhat struck by his sagacity; I couldn’t believe I was talking to an 18 year old guy. I thought he was probably making up some shit that sounded good because he wanted to keep having sex with me. I thought that perhaps he had heard what he had just said in a movie, especially the bit about not being someone else for someone else; it kind of sounded like a speech that a wise old grandma gives to her granddaughter in the climax of a dramatic coming-of-age movie. I remember him looking me directly in the eye and brushing a piece of stray hair behind my ear.
I felt in that moment more comfortable than I had ever felt with another human being. He told me to be comfortable, and I was. He asked me never to be someone else. I wanted, in that moment, never to be someone else. I’m not entirely sure what I was thinking at just that moment, but what followed I will never forget.
I asked him if he thought I should gain weight.
My previous question, about losing weight, had struck him somewhere deep, and left him looking heartbroken but ready to impart to me some profound wisdom about being true to one’s self. The present question, about gaining weight, caught him completely off guard. He stared at me intently, not saying anything. I smiled sheepishly, half-suspecting what he might be thinking. I had guessed correctly, of course: he was attracted to my belly, to my thighs, to my fat; he thought that, if I gained weight, I would be even sexier. He finally muttered another version of what he had said previously, about not doing anything for other people, but mostly just stumbled over his words. I kissed him. I asked him again: would you think it was sexy if I was fat, even fatter than I am now?
He nodded but remained, I think, embarrassed. I would find out later that his admission to me, that he found my belly attractive and would find it even more attractive if it got larger and jiggled more, was the first time he had admitted to anyone that he was attracted to fat. I assured him that my admission was likewise a first. We shared something indissoluble: we had shared with one another the most profound secret each of us had been harboring for our entire lives. I found out that he too had fantasized secretly about fat girls but dated publicly the skinny ones; I found out that he too had realized a fantasy in the online world of BBWs and SSBBWs; I found out that he had eaten secret doughnuts in private, but that his real fantasy was to feed someone else, to feed a girl and watch her grow fatter and fatter.
Perhaps because he was my first real boyfriend, and perhaps because we had shared such an intimate secret with one another, this boy from my history class became, as cliched as it sounds, my whole world. The strictures and demands of society slipped away, and I cared less and less about being skinny, about losing the weight I had gained since starting college. When my mother expressed some concern, after I had gained 100 pounds, I shrugged it off, mostly unbothered; my boy adored my body, cherished my body, worshipped my body, and so did I. I allowed myself to eat more and more; I let the boy feed me; sometimes I ate doughnuts and candy while we had sex. I watched my body grow, and I imagined society, the other girls, even my family, gossip about my weight behind my back; I didn’t care, because the boy loved watching me grow, and, most importantly, I loved watching me grow.
We dated for almost all of the first two years of college. Over that time, I gained nearly 150 pounds; I had ballooned to almost 300 pounds. My friends changed. I met a girl, who had been watching me grow with fascination, who came to be one of my closest friends, with whom I would eat and gain. She too, it turned out, harbored secret fantasies of becoming fat; she had never acted on them, not seriously enough to actually gain weight. She had watched me grow with jealously, and she noted, once, that I was holding hands with a very skinny and very athletic young man as we crossed campus. It didn’t take long before she confessed to me that she envied me for the fat that hung from my body. She wanted to be fat, she said. I told her what the boy had told me: don’t let someone else convince you to be someone else.
Other friends, who weren’t fat and didn’t know that I wanted to be as fat as I was, rarely brought up my weight, assuming that I was struggling to lose it. They were good friends, and I remain close with many of them; some of them I have told about my desires and my lusts, and they have accepted me. They perhaps remain skeptical, and I’m sure they don’t fully understand. But then, neither do I.
The boy I had dated for the first few years of college, who had helped me to become who I had always dreamed of being, in whom I had confessed so many of my darkest secrets, left me in the summer before my junior year. He has never told me exactly what happened; at the time, he said in so many vague words, that he felt like our relationship had stalled somewhere, and that, while he loved spending time with me, he didn’t see our relationship continuing. In retrospect, I can see he was right: we were perfect for each other for a while, but not for ever. I don’t wish we had stayed together. I do suspect, though, that part of his decision wasn’t really his decision. I think that his faith in my fat faltered when I neared 300 pounds. His next girlfriend, whom he started dating about a year after we broke up, was a petite girl, smaller even than he was; I saw them once running through campus together, and read on Facebook that they completed a half-marathon together. I think that the boy who had taught me so much, who had convinced me that the fat me was the real me, who had fed me doughnuts during sex and brought me pizza in the middle of the night, who had helped me eat and eat and eat and who had worshipped the fat as it spilled out over my clothes, who nearly drooled at the sight of my belly hanging out over my thighs, became, in the end, embarrassed of his own desires. I think he regrets our break-up more than I do.
At the time, though, I was devastated. I lost weight, because I stopped stuffing myself and because I was, in general, not hungry. The idea of being fat became again repulsive; my body was a reminder of the relationship I had just lost. My belly was a remnant I couldn’t get rid of; though I took the pictures off my wall and gave him back the trinkets he had left in my dorm, I couldn’t give him back the cellulite that now jiggled with every step, the belly that had to be tucked into my size 24 jeans, the double chin that no amount of make-up could hide. I was trapped in my body, and my body was a memento of that which I had lost.
While my friends helped me with late-night chats over wine, I found real solace in two places: one was the internet community of BBWs and the other was the friend I had met who wanted to become fat. She was the only one I could tell about how I really felt, about how my fat body was a reminder of the boyfriend who was no longer there to feed me. This friend, this fellow fat girl (she had gained some weight and was approaching 200 pounds), filled for me the gap that the boy had left. She told me how gorgeous I was. She reminded me how amazing my body was, and how much I, myself, loved my own body. She reminded me that the big fat belly that was hanging out over my too-tight jeans was the belly I had been dreaming of since I was a young girl.
She reminded me how much I loved being fat.
I have since dated other guys, nearly all of them skinny and athletic. I love watching my fat, squishy body push up against their hard, toned muscles. Some of the guys I have dated have wanted me to get fatter and have begged me to let them feed me while we have sex; others are too embarrassed about their desires to admit that they want to feed me; others still have no desire for me to gain weight, but love my body as it is. One wanted me to lose weight; he said that right around 250 pounds was the perfect size for every girl. I haven’t seen him since, nearing 300 pounds, I told him that it was more likely that I would someday weigh 400 than that I would ever again weigh 250.
Right now I tend to fluctuate between 260-280. I go through spurts where I eat and eat and eat all I want for days on end (having graduated from college and moved into my own apartment has allowed me increased freedom to stuff myself when the desire strikes). Other times, though, I stop stuffing myself, and eat relatively normally (though I haven’t dieted, or really limited what I ate, since high-school). My family doesn’t know about my desire to remain fat and get fatter; they sometimes suggest this or that diet. Once my mother forwarded me some information about participating in a study for obese women between the ages of 18 -27. I told her I was insulted and hurt. She didn’t bring up my weight for several months.
This blog is about my current journey: it contains my fantasies, my desires, my day-to-day thoughts and opinions, and, of course, my food log. I would not say that I’m currently gaining, only because I have no systematic way of getting fatter. That said, I eat whatever I want, and I love my fat, and I want to see my fat grow and expand.
You can continue to read about my fat here.